I recently had a relationship to  end. It was the first relationship since my divorce so I had the experience at the age of 50 of having butterflies, giddiness, and heartache all in one. Despite that though, I don’t regret the relationship.

I learned more about myself, about what I wanted in a relationship and what I was willing to give in a relationship.  I learned to define boundaries yet also let down those invisible walls that I put up to protect myself. And when I did, it allowed me to face my fear of being vulnerable to another. Being vulnerable is scary. But yet I know now that to be all in, that’s the only way to be. Even when it ends, the vulnerability of it all gives you life experience that you build on to help you to evolve as a person and as a partner.

As with any break-up, you think about what went wrong. Could you have done anything differently; could they have done something differently? You think about in moving forward, what can you take away to have better relationships in the future.

While going through this this self-reflection process, I came across poetry that I had written from decades ago – my 20’s and 30’s –  about former relationships.  As I read, I said to myself “Girl, you were dramatic back in the day.”  However, I also felt the essence of the words were still viable so I decided to share a few of the poems in hopes that my journey of life, love and relationships is relatable to those who are experiencing new love or the loss of love.

Whether you are experiencing the joy of new love or the heartache of a love that was lost, it’s all worth the journey of learning who you are and who you will become from the experience.

Facets of Life: “A Conversation With My Love”

when i’m with you

i feel complete

i feel free

free to be who i am

free to be who i hope to be.

yet at the same time

i feel you don’t know all of me

because i fear showing you

the depthness of my love

the depthness of my soul

i fear telling you

the pain i’ve had from my heartache

the shame i’ve had from life.

but when i ponder on these very things

and begin to reflect

that maybe you’ll understand

these are facets of my life

they have created who i am

they have shaped the character of my being.

all these facets have created

the person

who has chosen you

to unconditionally love.

all these facets have created

the person

you have chosen

to give a part of your world.

 

Facets of Life:  “If I Could”

If I could

Tell you what was deep in my heart

I would tell you

That with you

I have learned how to love again

I have learned that I have something good inside

I have learned that I am worthwhile.

If I could

Stop being afraid of life

Of love

Of letting go

I would tell you that no man

Has ever made me feel the way you do

No man

Has made me feel the joy

That I have known with you

If I could

Share the deepest part of my soul

I would share a heart that has known both delight and despair

I would share a life that has known both honor and shame

I would share my hope of being forever in your life

All these things I would share, say & do

If I could.

 

Facets of Life:  “I Remember”

 I remember the day we walked in the park

Arm in arm and hand in hand

And you poured out your heart

You told me your expectations, joys, and sorrows,

Your hopes for a better tomorrow.

And deep within my heart, I cried

Because even though those words were about yourself

I could see a reflection of myself

For in the mirror of your soul

Your words made me whole.

I remember that afternoon you kissed me

So tenderly and sweetly

And yet so passionately

For when you reached out to me

It felt like a little boy wanting someone to love

And yet when your lips touched mine

I knew within that shyness of a boy

There was a man

Who needed me

As much as I needed him.

I remember the night when you held me in your arms

And filled my disillusions with all your charms

And for the first time

I felt as though that I found that key

To open up those deep emotions within me.

And although I’ve searched for so long for that key to happiness

It scares me,

So much that I want to close my dreams to reality

To close the door to my destiny.

For when I really look at my life

All I see are problems and strife

And it hurts my heart so much

So terribly much,

That it’s better for me to pretend

That life can have a happy end.

For when I think of the happy times

The really good times

Nothing else matters

Because through my memories

I can have forever

And everything seems better.

For when I remember when you said

“This is not goodbye – only the beginning.”

I feel as though I’m in a different hemisphere, not of this world

Because you are here with me and once again, I’m a special girl.

But then reality steps in

And I’m back in this world again

For then I realize those words weren’t true.

There was never a me and you.

And even though it hurts to know

In my heart, I have to let you go

I still have one thing…

I remember.

 

Facets of Life::  “Love’s Reality”

We seemed to have it all

But we lost it all

As quickly as we found it

Maybe I should have told you more

How much I really cared

How much I wanted to be there

How much I wanted you to be in my life.

Maybe you should have told me

That you really loved me

But my dreams were not yours

My hopes were just that

Pleasurable myths that would never be fact.

I gave you my heart

I gave you my soul

I gave until I had nothing else to give

But it was never enough for you

And I will never know why.

I only know

That no one could ever love you

The way I did

The way I do now

Despite it all

For I feel the deepest type of love

A love based on truth and togetherness

A love that expands the realms of forever

Because it is a love

Entwined by a bond of truth of one’s feelings about one’s self

And the person they love

Entwined by communication of your brightest hopes and darkest desperations

Entwined by your most shallow dreams and deepest inspirations.

I now know we were never meant to be

That sometimes love isn’t enough

That sometimes you have to let go of what you have

To find in life

What really matters

To find in life

The friend within yourself.