All posts by Bridgette Monique Wilder

I am passionate about helping others to believe in their personal power to change their lives on both a personal and professional level. Through my blog "Something To Think About", I'll share life lessons, personal experiences, stories, and quotes to get you to think about what is important to you and what actions you are committed to doing to be the best that you can be both personally and professionally.

Sometimes forever means now

When I  was young, I dreamed of meeting  the one.  The  one who would be “my forever.” 

The one who knew my inner thoughts, my external flaws and yet who still loved me for who I  was and who I could be.

I thought I had found my forever.

But one day, my forever came to a halt.

My forever did not have a dash, it had a period.

My dreams were shattered.

My heart broken.

My soul was disenchanted.

What followed was not my forever but seasons and reasons for relationships that failed.

Those seasons and reasons got me to thinking about what forever meant.

Until one day, it all clicked. 

I met Bo.

He showed me a new way to love. 

For in loving him, I realized that I  am no longer compelled to love another based on a vision of a future reality.

Rather I have realized  that loving him means loving what we have now.

Enjoying the minutes, the hours, and the days we share.  

Staying present in the  moments.

For it is in those moments, we are creating the memories of our forever story. 

Each kiss, each embrace, each spoken word is part of the forever I have with him.

No matter how long that forever is.

Whether it is a dash or a period, I have my forever… now.

An Open Letter of Love To My Son On His Birthday

My son, Dred Scott Jackson Beasley,  is 9 years old today so I decided to write him a letter to tell him how much he means to me; to share with him things that he already knows but I wanted to remind him of on his special day and to tell him things that he doesn’t’ know but needs to know as part of his legacy.

Dear Dred Scott:

It’s March 10th and you are 9 years old today. I tell you all the time that I love you, that I like you and that I think you are a cool kid. But today, you are all that and more to me because the day you were born was the day that I came to life.

I know you are saying “Mommy, what does that mean, you’re my mom, you were already alive.” What I mean is that when you were born, and I saw you for the first time, I finally realized that my life was better because you were there to share it with me, so I knew I had to be better, to do better so you could have the best of me.

Since it’s your birthday, I wanted to tell you a few things so that you would know how special you are to me now and even before you were born. So here goes:

  • The Meaning Of Your Name: I know when you get older, you will wonder, “why is my name so long, couldn’t Mommy and Daddy come up with one name instead of 3?”  Well, each part of your name has a special meaning:
    • Dred: When I found out that I was having a boy, I told your Daddy that I wanted to name you Dred. Dred is the first name of two special people in Mommy’s life that loved me no matter what and believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself, my Dad and my brother.  Since you were going to be my baby boy, I wanted you to have a first name that means love to me.
    • Scott: Your Daddy told me that your brothers both had a “S” in their name so I needed to have part of your name start with an S. I chose Scott in honor of our cousin, Coretta Scott King, because her life was one of strength and character and I wanted you to have that legacy as part of your name.
    • Jackson: Jackson is your father’s mother’s last name and he loved her very much. He wanted to give you a part of her since she passed before you were born.
  • Your First Letter: Today’s letter is not the first letter that I’ve written you. I wrote a letter to you the day before you were born in your baby book. Here’s what it said:
    • 3/9/09 – Dear Scotty: I write this letter the day before your birth to tell you that I love you.  I know when I see you for the first time, my love for you will grow even stronger.  Being your mommy, I already feel you are the most perfect child.  But I also know you will make mistakes; we both will but through it all, I will love you and be there when you laugh and cry; hold you when life disappoints you and tell you no matter what life brings you, your mommy will always be there for you.
  • Three Wishes: If I found a magic lamp and the genie that came out told me that I could have 3 wishes but to make them good because they would be the only 3 wishes for the rest of my life, all my wishes would be for you:
    • Wish 1: I would wish that you always believe that you are special. There is nothing that you need to do or say. Just be you. For you are a sweet and kind boy. You are a good person with a loving heart. That’s more than enough. You are enough.
    • Wish 2: I would wish that you don’t try to live up to the legacy of what others have done or accomplished in life. Instead, you will learn from your legacy but create your own path, create your own dreams.
    • Wish 3: I would wish that you remember that I love you. Every day we tell each other “I love you, always and forever, no matter what.” Those are not just words. They are a promise that will never be broken because you are a part of me and I am a part of you. No matter where we are in the world, whether we are together or apart, those words, are forever in our hearts.

So, on your birthday, remember this: I loved you before you were born, I love you now, and I will you love you forever, no matter what. I promise.

Mommy

The Month Of June

The month of June is always a hard month for me. June is the month that my Daddy, Dred Wilder, died.

This year, although I consciously knew that this is the anniversary month of his passing and although it has been over a decade, my body still reacts like it was yesterday.

I feel the sadness, the heartache, the emptiness within the core of my being because he is no longer physically present in my life.

I feel the void of not being able to share my thoughts, my dreams, my disappointments.

I miss the power of his silence; for he wouldn’t tell me the answer to my questions but would ask me a question about what I wanted, what I needed and then get quiet until I arrived at the answer for myself.

I miss the lessons that he was teaching me without saying a word.

As the month ends, something different has overshadowed my sadness. My sadness has lifted because I now get the final lesson that my Dad’s life and death were trying to teach me.

The month of June should not be about mourning. Instead, the month of June should be about celebrating the blessing of having a daddy in my life that was special to me and me to him.

So, with the last few days that are remaining in June, I will celebrate the joy of the time that I spent with my Daddy.  Even though my son never got a chance to meet him, I will share my memories of my Dad with my son. And each time I say my son’s name “Dred Scott”, my father’s legacy lives on.

Innocence

A few weeks ago, two television shows, Law & Order: SVU and Ransom, focused on the same key issue of sexual abuse of children. It’s an issue that is treated as unspeakable because of the atrocity of violating a child.  Yet by not speaking up, we teach victims that they can’t speak up. We teach victims they must live in silence with the shame and the fear that results from having a predator take their innocence, take their ability to trust, and take their ability to believe in themselves.  We teach victims that being a victim is what they are vs. what happened to them.

It’s time to stop telling our kids to not to sit on that relative’s or family friend’s lap because we know that something is not quite right about them.  It’s time to stop thinking that the sexual abuse of a child happens in other families or to certain “types” of people. It’s time to stop being silent.

I’ve heard all my life that children are our future. If that’s true, what future are we creating for a child that has experienced the ultimate betrayal of trust yet doesn’t get the help they need to heal.

I wrote a poem called “She” that addresses the impact of sexual abuse on a child and the adult that they grow up to be. My hope in reading the poem, is that you don’t focus on who the poem is about. Rather I hope you can embrace the power of the words and decide to be the voice of a child that can’t speak for themselves. By doing so, you will help that little girl or little boy to know that they are not alone. And if you were once that little girl or little boy, this is what I know for sure, you can get past what happened to you. It won’t be easy so get the help that you need. There is no shame in saying out loud what happened. The only shame will be is if you give up on you…. so don’t.

“She”

She understood the darkness of the world

For her innocence was taken when she was just a little girl

For at 3, she lost the value of trust

When a monster violated her with every thrust

And at 12

A cousin showed her another meaning of hell

So she never knew what it meant to be a child

She never knew what it meant to dream even for just a little while

For life, had taught her at a tender age

That someone else’s undealt rage can hurt another

That you can’t always be protected, not even by your mother.

She learned to pretend so that she could survive

She prayed and hoped that her memories were just a lie

Until one day, she met a man

Who simply said “I understand”

He only wanted to be her friend

And to help her believe that life could have a happy end

He wanted her to know that life was about living

Not surviving

But thriving.

He wanted her to believe that what she needed to be happy was already within

She just had to let the past end.

And let her present begin.

You may wonder who she is

Who she finally turned out to be?

Did she travel the world?

Did she finally realize that she was a special girl?

To that I ask

Does it matter?

Because the real point of it all

Is that she lived

She mattered

But if you must know

She could be you or your neighbor down the street

But in reality…

She is me.

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Facets of Life: A Journey of Life, Love & Relationships

I recently had a relationship to  end. It was the first relationship since my divorce so I had the experience at the age of 50 of having butterflies, giddiness, and heartache all in one. Despite that though, I don’t regret the relationship.

I learned more about myself, about what I wanted in a relationship and what I was willing to give in a relationship.  I learned to define boundaries yet also let down those invisible walls that I put up to protect myself. And when I did, it allowed me to face my fear of being vulnerable to another. Being vulnerable is scary. But yet I know now that to be all in, that’s the only way to be. Even when it ends, the vulnerability of it all gives you life experience that you build on to help you to evolve as a person and as a partner.

As with any break-up, you think about what went wrong. Could you have done anything differently; could they have done something differently? You think about in moving forward, what can you take away to have better relationships in the future.

While going through this this self-reflection process, I came across poetry that I had written from decades ago – my 20’s and 30’s –  about former relationships.  As I read, I said to myself “Girl, you were dramatic back in the day.”  However, I also felt the essence of the words were still viable so I decided to share a few of the poems in hopes that my journey of life, love and relationships is relatable to those who are experiencing new love or the loss of love.

Whether you are experiencing the joy of new love or the heartache of a love that was lost, it’s all worth the journey of learning who you are and who you will become from the experience.

Facets of Life: “A Conversation With My Love”

when i’m with you

i feel complete

i feel free

free to be who i am

free to be who i hope to be.

yet at the same time

i feel you don’t know all of me

because i fear showing you

the depthness of my love

the depthness of my soul

i fear telling you

the pain i’ve had from my heartache

the shame i’ve had from life.

but when i ponder on these very things

and begin to reflect

that maybe you’ll understand

these are facets of my life

they have created who i am

they have shaped the character of my being.

all these facets have created

the person

who has chosen you

to unconditionally love.

all these facets have created

the person

you have chosen

to give a part of your world.

 

Facets of Life:  “If I Could

If I could

Tell you what was deep in my heart

I would tell you

That with you

I have learned how to love again

I have learned that I have something good inside

I have learned that I am worthwhile.

If I could

Stop being afraid of life

Of love

Of letting go

I would tell you that no man

Has ever made me feel the way you do

No man

Has made me feel the joy

That I have known with you

If I could

Share the deepest part of my soul

I would share a heart that has known both delight and despair

I would share a life that has known both honor and shame

I would share my hope of being forever in your life

All these things I would share, say & do

If I could.

 

Facets of Life:  “I Remember”

 I remember the day we walked in the park

Arm in arm and hand in hand

And you poured out your heart

You told me your expectations, joys, and sorrows,

Your hopes for a better tomorrow.

And deep within my heart, I cried

Because even though those words were about yourself

I could see a reflection of myself

For in the mirror of your soul

Your words made me whole.

I remember that afternoon you kissed me

So tenderly and sweetly

And yet so passionately

For when you reached out to me

It felt like a little boy wanting someone to love

And yet when your lips touched mine

I knew within that shyness of a boy

There was a man

Who needed me

As much as I needed him.

I remember the night when you held me in your arms

And filled my disillusions with all your charms

And for the first time

I felt as though that I found that key

To open up those deep emotions within me.

And although I’ve searched for so long for that key to happiness

It scares me,

So much that I want to close my dreams to reality

To close the door to my destiny.

For when I really look at my life

All I see are problems and strife

And it hurts my heart so much

So terribly much,

That it’s better for me to pretend

That life can have a happy end.

For when I think of the happy times

The really good times

Nothing else matters

Because through my memories

I can have forever

And everything seems better.

For when I remember when you said

“This is not goodbye – only the beginning.”

I feel as though I’m in a different hemisphere, not of this world

Because you are here with me and once again, I’m a special girl.

But then reality steps in

And I’m back in this world again

For then I realize those words weren’t true.

There was never a me and you.

And even though it hurts to know

In my heart, I have to let you go

I still have one thing…

I remember.

 

Facets of Life::  “Love’s Reality”

We seemed to have it all

But we lost it all

As quickly as we found it

Maybe I should have told you more

How much I really cared

How much I wanted to be there

How much I wanted you to be in my life.

Maybe you should have told me

That you really loved me

But my dreams were not yours

My hopes were just that

Pleasurable myths that would never be fact.

I gave you my heart

I gave you my soul

I gave until I had nothing else to give

But it was never enough for you

And I will never know why.

I only know

That no one could ever love you

The way I did

The way I do now

Despite it all

For I feel the deepest type of love

A love based on truth and togetherness

A love that expands the realms of forever

Because it is a love

Entwined by a bond of truth of one’s feelings about one’s self

And the person they love

Entwined by communication of your brightest hopes and darkest desperations

Entwined by your most shallow dreams and deepest inspirations.

I now know we were never meant to be

That sometimes love isn’t enough

That sometimes you have to let go of what you have

To find in life

What really matters

To find in life

The friend within yourself.

“Peggy… I Now Understand”

Your greatest joy is sorrow unmasked. 

Kahlil Gilbran

If you read my posting “I Was Here“, you know that my sister Peggy passed in 2011.

We had a unique relationship that was shaped by two significant events:

  • In 1966, she gave me life.
  • In 1972, she gave me a chance at life by giving me my parents, Minnie and Dred Wilder. For that I am eternally grateful.

If our Dad were alive and you asked him to describe Peggy , he would tell you Peggy was a person that  truly lived the phrase “Do You” because no matter the reward or consequence, Peggy was one person  who always was Peggy and did what Peggy wanted to do.

For anyone that met Peggy, they would tell you that she had a presence, a swagger. You remembered meeting her.

For those that knew Peggy well, who she allowed to the see the core of who she was, they knew the dichotomy of her. On one hand, she was the most frustrating and demanding person you would ever meet. But on the other hand, she could be a  loving, funny, and thoughtful person.  She would give the best and the last of what she had.

Like all of us, Peggy sometimes made decisions that didn’t have the best results; however, before she passed, she was able to have some essential conversations that allowed her to acknowledge the impact of those choices and I know that it gave her some peace.

She and I had one of those essential conversations and as I ponder on the words that we spoke, I now understand the dynamics of our unique relationship.

I Now Understand…

  • As a perfectly imperfect 49-year old parent that is lost at times about what is the right thing to do for my son,  I truly appreciate now  that  at 18, Peggy didn’t know what was right for me because she was still trying to figure out what was right for her.
  • Parts of her had been broken by tragedy and trauma, so she shut down the part of her heart that hurt the most – loving me.
  • Parts of me had been broken by tragedy and trauma, so I shut down the part of my heart that hurt the most – loving her.
  • What I deemed as anger for her not loving me, for not keeping me, for not choosing me, it was just a little girl who didn’t understand that she showed me the  greatest love by  giving me parents that could provide me what she wanted to give but didn’t know how
  • When I shared with her my anger, my hurt, my tragedy, she felt my anguish and wished that she could wipe it all way.
  • When she told me that she loved me, I didn’t want to accept it but I knew within my being that she did.
  • That in all the ways that we were different, we were and are alike in what matters.
So even though, I understand all these things and more, if Peggy were alive today, I would only say these 4 words: “Peggy, I now understand.” And you know what? She would understand too.

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Is there someone in your life that your relationship is not where it needs to be?  Is there someone in your life that you need to have an essential conversation with?  If so, remember that life is short.  Instead of waiting for a tomorrow that may never come, do something today:  Say the one that thing that really matters in the end, ” I now understand.”Peggy and me 1970s

“Why Not Me”

“I am not what happened to me.  I am what I choose to become.”

Emma Watson

In 2012, I had a procedure to remove vocal polyps. It was a procedure that prevented me from talking for 4 – 6 weeks.  It was my third vocal procedure in 3 years.

After my second procedure, my doctor advised me that I had a recurring condition, that he was  not sure why it was  recurring, and he didn’t know how often it would recur. Needless to say, the first thought that came to my mind was “Why me?” My mind then began to spin with thoughts such as:

1) My 3-year old son has never heard my real voice, will he ever?

2) I’ve been in HR for over 20 years and I need my voice, what am I going to do if this keeps happening?

3) What lesson am I suppose to be learning from this recurring event?

4) What else can happen to me?

After I allowed myself to think these unproductive thoughts and allowed my tears to dry, I gave myself a reality check. I began thinking about all of my prior life challenges that I have overcome. I just did not survive but I triumphed. So now instead of asking “Why me?” I ask myself, “Why Not Me?” What can I learn from this life challenge that will allow me to be a better person, to be a better giver of myself to those that I encounter, and to be a better mother to my young son?

Like all of us, I don’t know what tomorrow brings but why worry about what hasn’t happened. Fortunately, my doctor was able to identify the reason for the recurrence and I’m healthy today.

This experience, this challenge, has taught me the importance of my daily choices.

I choose to dream about tomorrow but live for today. I choose to learn, to love, to give. I choose to be living proof that with my faith coupled with positive actions that I am powerful beyond measure  and I can overcome anything. Instead of life happening to me, I choose to happen to life.

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What life challenges are you facing today? What can you learn from those challenges that will help you to move from victim to victor?

“I’m Just A Girl”

“…. I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

Source – Movie “Notting Hill”

One of my favorite movies is “Notting Hill” with Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant. A scene that resonates with me is when she goes to visit him post break-up to apologize for something she said to someone about him that he overheard and it was hurtful to him.

As you observe her face and body language, you can tell that she loves this man, she  wants to let him know that and she  wants his forgiveness. In turn, you know from his body language and face that he loves her but his pride, his hurt doesn’t allow him to pull her into his arms.  Rather, he tells her he can’t risk being hurt again and with her life as a movie star and his as a book store owner, they would never work out.  She swallows her pride and fear and say these simple words.

“…. I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

Think about those simple words. Think about the level of vulnerability she showed by “putting it out there”: I love you and I want you to love me. I know that I was wrong but I’m asking you to give me, give us,  another try. Think about the level of courage it took for her to risk not having her love reciprocated, to show that “little girl” side of her to the man that she wanted; to the man that she wanted to want them, to want her.

Have you had moments in life that you were afraid to be truly vulnerable. Were you afraid that:

  • If they saw you – without the layers, without the mask you present to the world, that they would not like or love you
  • If you saw you – without the layers, without the mask you present to the world, that you would not like or love yourself
  • You have pretended so long to be someone else that you don’t know who you are, so how can you be vulnerable to show what you don’t know.

If we are honest, we’ve all had a moment in time that we didn’t feel that we were enough or that if they saw the “real us” that they wouldn’t like or love us.

That was then and this is now. It’s time to Flip The Script

Imagine that if you chose to be vulnerable, that they would see the wonder and beauty of you. That they would love you more than you could imagine. That they would give you the greatest gift – they would show their vulnerability too.

I will admit that when I’ve shown my vulnerability to others, it hasn’t always worked out. But that’s okay. Why? Because, “I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

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Although this was a movie, it is reflective of the masks that we put on in life. Although deep within, we may intensely want that relationship, that dream, that “thing”, we don’t say it because our fear of being vulnerable holds us back. Or maybe life has happened so much to us, we don’t think that we deserve that “thing” that we want most and we subconsciously (or consciously) sabotage ourselves.

Ask yourself if you are afraid to be vulnerable. If so, why?  Finally, ask yourself, what is one action that you can do today to move away from that fear so that you are not afraid to show your vulnerable little girl or  vulnerable little boy with those that share your world? 

Notting Hill Video 1: http://https://youtu.be/RESwG23_YGw

Notting Hill Video 2:  http://https://youtu.be/kE5IzU8KiJ4

“What I Learned About Loving Myself From Loving Someone Else”

As I approach my 50th birthday in less than 5 months, I am in a reflective mood. I have been thinking about the men that I have loved and what I have  learned about loving myself by loving them.

I’d like to share a few of those lessons by highlighting those key relationships:

  • My Father – Dred Wilder: My father was a humble, gentle, straight talk no chaser, powerful man. As early as the age of 3, I knew that no one could compare to my Dad. He understood my thoughts without me saying a word. He knew when I didn’t feel accepted or hurt by others and told me to believe in myself because he believed in me. He taught me to define my values and to live them no matter what the reward or consequence. When kids would make fun of me or become afraid of me because I had a seizure, he wouldn’t say  a word; instead, he would hold me in his arms until I stopped crying. When he died, I felt that I lost a part of my heart, a part of my soul. But as time has passed, I learned most importantly that the lessons, the memories still live in me and are even more powerful today as they were yesterday.
  • My Brother – Dred Jr: Growing up, we were typical siblings.  We laughed, we argued; we shared good and bad times. But through it all, we always had each other’s  back. I have learned  from him through his words and actions that loyalty doesn’t need to be spoken –  it just needs to be shown. I have learned the importance of having a dream and following it even when others can’t see the vision.  The importance of staying true to what you know within your core is right for you.  I have learned from him that no matter what, he will support me without questions or judgment.
  • My Brother – Stan: I grew up as the only girl in the neighborhood so Stan felt it was important to teach me to defend myself  and  he taught me how to fight. I was a little girl so certainly I was no ninja. However, I learned from him how to not only physically defend myself but how to stand up for myself through words. He called me “Nene” and would say “Nene, I don’t want you to pick fights but if you can’t defend yourself with words, defend  yourself with your hands.” As I got older and he would be home visiting, he would ask me thought provoking questions about what I wanted in life. We would talk about world events and travel. I didn’t realize then that he was teaching me to think about what I wanted out of life but also to consider that there was a world outside of what I had known and to be open to it.
  • Daddy Dean:  My sister Peggy had a special man in her life named Dean. When my brother Dred  and I were kids, we would go visit them in the summer. He was like a second Dad to me. He loved my sister with that old school love like you see in movies like “Lady Sings The Blues”, “Mahogany”, or “The Way We Were”. Unfortunately, they didn’t stay together. I learned from their relationship, that you can love someone “hard” but when that person is broken or doesn’t know how to love themselves because of those broken pieces, love is not enough. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go. I can tell you that my sister loved him to the day she died and he loved her.
  • My First Love – Hari: I met Hari when I was 23. He was a Captain in the Marines. He was confident, a visionary, and he loved me. He showed me a new world of jazz, poetry, writing, and dreams. He pulled me out of my comfort zone to share my talents of writing poetry and public speaking. With him I evolved into a butterfly. I learned to truly believe in my dreams and that I was special to someone who I not only loved but respected. I also learned that when romantic love ends, it can evolve into a powerful friendship with someone who knows your heartache, your fears, and the depthness of your love.
  • My Son – Dred Scott: I had my son Dred Scott at 43. In the 6.5  years he has been in my life, I have learned and experienced love on a level that I didn’t know existed before him. He is my heart. I would give my life for him if it meant saving his.  He has taught me about  unconditional love. He sometimes says to me  “Mommy, you are beautiful. You are a good Mom and I love you.” Needless to say that reminds me that my son loves me just for being me – his Mom.

I have loved, been loved, and lost love. But I have learned that loving is living and that is the best lesson of all.Scotty and me

“I Am Enough” #imenough

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I recently saw a You Tube video entitled “I’m Enough” by a band called The Mrs.  The video was focusing on uplifting women’s self- image, to help reinforce that we are more than what we see on the outside, we are an inspiration to those that love us.

Although the focus was on women, it is an impactful message for both men and women, boys and girls. So many of us grow up believing that we are not enough – not pretty enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, not strong enough, etc.

But what if we flipped the script, and saw ourselves the way others see us. By others, I’m not talking about people who don’t know us or show through their actions that they don’t value us. By others, I mean the people who love us for just being ourselves. They “get” that what is most important about us is who we are and not what we are: Who – caring, giving, supportive, loving vs. What – nurse, doctor, teacher, homemaker. They “get” that we bring joy, inspiration, a sense of well-being, and much more to their lives.

So close your eyes, think of someone you love, that loves you. Now imagine, you are looking in a mirror. You see your reflection but you also see your love one who is telling you how much you mean to them, how much you impact their life in a positive way. Now open your eyes and embrace the feeling of those words. Look in the mirror and say “I Am Enough” …. because you are.

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“I’m Enough” By The Mrs.