Category Archives: Parent

#love, Family, Legacy, Life Lessons, Living, Parent, Uncategorized, Values

An Open Letter of Love To My Son On His Birthday

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My son, Dred Scott Jackson Beasley,  is 9 years old today so I decided to write him a letter to tell him how much he means to me; to share with him things that he already knows but I wanted to remind him of on his special day and to tell him things that he doesn’t’ know but needs to know as part of his legacy.

Dear Dred Scott:

It’s March 10th and you are 9 years old today. I tell you all the time that I love you, that I like you and that I think you are a cool kid. But today, you are all that and more to me because the day you were born was the day that I came to life.

I know you are saying “Mommy, what does that mean, you’re my mom, you were already alive.” What I mean is that when you were born, and I saw you for the first time, I finally realized that my life was better because you were there to share it with me, so I knew I had to be better, to do better so you could have the best of me.

Since it’s your birthday, I wanted to tell you a few things so that you would know how special you are to me now and even before you were born. So here goes:

  • The Meaning Of Your Name: I know when you get older, you will wonder, “why is my name so long, couldn’t Mommy and Daddy come up with one name instead of 3?”  Well, each part of your name has a special meaning:
    • Dred: When I found out that I was having a boy, I told your Daddy that I wanted to name you Dred. Dred is the first name of two special people in Mommy’s life that loved me no matter what and believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself, my Dad and my brother.  Since you were going to be my baby boy, I wanted you to have a first name that means love to me.
    • Scott: Your Daddy told me that your brothers both had a “S” in their name so I needed to have part of your name start with an S. I chose Scott in honor of our cousin, Coretta Scott King, because her life was one of strength and character and I wanted you to have that legacy as part of your name.
    • Jackson: Jackson is your father’s mother’s last name and he loved her very much. He wanted to give you a part of her since she passed before you were born.
  • Your First Letter: Today’s letter is not the first letter that I’ve written you. I wrote a letter to you the day before you were born in your baby book. Here’s what it said:
    • 3/9/09 – Dear Scotty: I write this letter the day before your birth to tell you that I love you.  I know when I see you for the first time, my love for you will grow even stronger.  Being your mommy, I already feel you are the most perfect child.  But I also know you will make mistakes; we both will but through it all, I will love you and be there when you laugh and cry; hold you when life disappoints you and tell you no matter what life brings you, your mommy will always be there for you.
  • Three Wishes: If I found a magic lamp and the genie that came out told me that I could have 3 wishes but to make them good because they would be the only 3 wishes for the rest of my life, all my wishes would be for you:
    • Wish 1: I would wish that you always believe that you are special. There is nothing that you need to do or say. Just be you. For you are a sweet and kind boy. You are a good person with a loving heart. That’s more than enough. You are enough.
    • Wish 2: I would wish that you don’t try to live up to the legacy of what others have done or accomplished in life. Instead, you will learn from your legacy but create your own path, create your own dreams.
    • Wish 3: I would wish that you remember that I love you. Every day we tell each other “I love you, always and forever, no matter what.” Those are not just words. They are a promise that will never be broken because you are a part of me and I am a part of you. No matter where we are in the world, whether we are together or apart, those words, are forever in our hearts.

So, on your birthday, remember this: I loved you before you were born, I love you now, and I will you love you forever, no matter what. I promise.

Mommy

Family, Legacy, Life Lessons, Living, Parent, Starting Over

The Month Of June

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The month of June is always a hard month for me. June is the month that my Daddy, Dred Wilder, died.

This year, although I consciously knew that this is the anniversary month of his passing and although it has been over a decade, my body still reacts like it was yesterday.

I feel the sadness, the heartache, the emptiness within the core of my being because he is no longer physically present in my life.

I feel the void of not being able to share my thoughts, my dreams, my disappointments.

I miss the power of his silence; for he wouldn’t tell me the answer to my questions but would ask me a question about what I wanted, what I needed and then get quiet until I arrived at the answer for myself.

I miss the lessons that he was teaching me without saying a word.

As the month ends, something different has overshadowed my sadness. My sadness has lifted because I now get the final lesson that my Dad’s life and death were trying to teach me.

The month of June should not be about mourning. Instead, the month of June should be about celebrating the blessing of having a daddy in my life that was special to me and me to him.

So, with the last few days that are remaining in June, I will celebrate the joy of the time that I spent with my Daddy.  Even though my son never got a chance to meet him, I will share my memories of my Dad with my son. And each time I say my son’s name “Dred Scott”, my father’s legacy lives on.

Family, Legacy, Living, Parent

“Peggy… I Now Understand”

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Your greatest joy is sorrow unmasked. 

Kahlil Gilbran

If you read my posting “I Was Here“, you know that my sister Peggy passed in 2011.

We had a unique relationship that was shaped by two significant events:

  • In 1966, she gave me life.
  • In 1972, she gave me a chance at life by giving me my parents, Minnie and Dred Wilder. For that I am eternally grateful.

If our Dad were alive and you asked him to describe Peggy , he would tell you Peggy was a person that  truly lived the phrase “Do You” because no matter the reward or consequence, Peggy was one person  who always was Peggy and did what Peggy wanted to do.

For anyone that met Peggy, they would tell you that she had a presence, a swagger. You remembered meeting her.

For those that knew Peggy well, who she allowed to the see the core of who she was, they knew the dichotomy of her. On one hand, she was the most frustrating and demanding person you would ever meet. But on the other hand, she could be a  loving, funny, and thoughtful person.  She would give the best and the last of what she had.

Like all of us, Peggy sometimes made decisions that didn’t have the best results; however, before she passed, she was able to have some essential conversations that allowed her to acknowledge the impact of those choices and I know that it gave her some peace.

She and I had one of those essential conversations and as I ponder on the words that we spoke, I now understand the dynamics of our unique relationship.

I Now Understand…

  • As a perfectly imperfect 49-year old parent that is lost at times about what is the right thing to do for my son,  I truly appreciate now  that  at 18, Peggy didn’t know what was right for me because she was still trying to figure out what was right for her.
  • Parts of her had been broken by tragedy and trauma, so she shut down the part of her heart that hurt the most – loving me.
  • Parts of me had been broken by tragedy and trauma, so I shut down the part of my heart that hurt the most – loving her.
  • What I deemed as anger for her not loving me, for not keeping me, for not choosing me, it was just a little girl who didn’t understand that she showed me the  greatest love by  giving me parents that could provide me what she wanted to give but didn’t know how
  • When I shared with her my anger, my hurt, my tragedy, she felt my anguish and wished that she could wipe it all way.
  • When she told me that she loved me, I didn’t want to accept it but I knew within my being that she did.
  • That in all the ways that we were different, we were and are alike in what matters.
So even though, I understand all these things and more, if Peggy were alive today, I would only say these 4 words: “Peggy, I now understand.” And you know what? She would understand too.

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Is there someone in your life that your relationship is not where it needs to be?  Is there someone in your life that you need to have an essential conversation with?  If so, remember that life is short.  Instead of waiting for a tomorrow that may never come, do something today:  Say the one that thing that really matters in the end, ” I now understand.”Peggy and me 1970s

Communication, Legacy, Life Lessons, Living, Parent, Values

“What I Learned About Loving Myself From Loving Someone Else”

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As I approach my 50th birthday in less than 5 months, I am in a reflective mood. I have been thinking about the men that I have loved and what I have  learned about loving myself by loving them.

I’d like to share a few of those lessons by highlighting those key relationships:

  • My Father – Dred Wilder: My father was a humble, gentle, straight talk no chaser, powerful man. As early as the age of 3, I knew that no one could compare to my Dad. He understood my thoughts without me saying a word. He knew when I didn’t feel accepted or hurt by others and told me to believe in myself because he believed in me. He taught me to define my values and to live them no matter what the reward or consequence. When kids would make fun of me or become afraid of me because I had a seizure, he wouldn’t say  a word; instead, he would hold me in his arms until I stopped crying. When he died, I felt that I lost a part of my heart, a part of my soul. But as time has passed, I learned most importantly that the lessons, the memories still live in me and are even more powerful today as they were yesterday.
  • My Brother – Dred Jr: Growing up, we were typical siblings.  We laughed, we argued; we shared good and bad times. But through it all, we always had each other’s  back. I have learned  from him through his words and actions that loyalty doesn’t need to be spoken –  it just needs to be shown. I have learned the importance of having a dream and following it even when others can’t see the vision.  The importance of staying true to what you know within your core is right for you.  I have learned from him that no matter what, he will support me without questions or judgment.
  • My Brother – Stan: I grew up as the only girl in the neighborhood so Stan felt it was important to teach me to defend myself  and  he taught me how to fight. I was a little girl so certainly I was no ninja. However, I learned from him how to not only physically defend myself but how to stand up for myself through words. He called me “Nene” and would say “Nene, I don’t want you to pick fights but if you can’t defend yourself with words, defend  yourself with your hands.” As I got older and he would be home visiting, he would ask me thought provoking questions about what I wanted in life. We would talk about world events and travel. I didn’t realize then that he was teaching me to think about what I wanted out of life but also to consider that there was a world outside of what I had known and to be open to it.
  • Daddy Dean:  My sister Peggy had a special man in her life named Dean. When my brother Dred  and I were kids, we would go visit them in the summer. He was like a second Dad to me. He loved my sister with that old school love like you see in movies like “Lady Sings The Blues”, “Mahogany”, or “The Way We Were”. Unfortunately, they didn’t stay together. I learned from their relationship, that you can love someone “hard” but when that person is broken or doesn’t know how to love themselves because of those broken pieces, love is not enough. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go. I can tell you that my sister loved him to the day she died and he loved her.
  • My First Love – Hari: I met Hari when I was 23. He was a Captain in the Marines. He was confident, a visionary, and he loved me. He showed me a new world of jazz, poetry, writing, and dreams. He pulled me out of my comfort zone to share my talents of writing poetry and public speaking. With him I evolved into a butterfly. I learned to truly believe in my dreams and that I was special to someone who I not only loved but respected. I also learned that when romantic love ends, it can evolve into a powerful friendship with someone who knows your heartache, your fears, and the depthness of your love.
  • My Son – Dred Scott: I had my son Dred Scott at 43. In the 6.5  years he has been in my life, I have learned and experienced love on a level that I didn’t know existed before him. He is my heart. I would give my life for him if it meant saving his.  He has taught me about  unconditional love. He sometimes says to me  “Mommy, you are beautiful. You are a good Mom and I love you.” Needless to say that reminds me that my son loves me just for being me – his Mom.

I have loved, been loved, and lost love. But I have learned that loving is living and that is the best lesson of all.Scotty and me

Family, Goal Setting, Life Lessons, Living, Making a Difference, Parent, Resolutions, Starting Over, Success, Uncategorized, Values

“Are You For Real” #RU4Real”

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One of my favorite stories is called “The Velveteen Rabbit”.  It’s about a Velveteen rabbit that longs to be real so that he could be special and not looked down by more expensive mechanical toys because “he was just a velveteen rabbit”.  Ironically, the Velveteen Rabbit feared becoming real, because when talking to his only friend, the Skin Horse, becoming real seemed painful.

On his journey of ‘becoming REAL’, he learns several important lessons, the core of which is reflected in the following passage:

 “What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit to the Skin Horse,  “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

 “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

 “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

 “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

(Source – “The Velveteen Rabbit: How Toys Become Real” by Margery Williams)

So in the end the Velveteen Rabbit learned that being REAL was not about what he was on the outside or even what others said about him.   He learned that BEING REAL was about BECOMING REAL TO OURSELVES AND TO OTHERS and sometimes that might hurt.  He learned that when he allowed others to see him – the core of who he was, they loved him no matter what.  He learned that being real didn’t happen overnight but “bit by bit.” But most importantly he learned that being real was not about being like everybody else. Rather being real was about being himself and that was more than enough.

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Are you being real… to yourself?…with others?  If not, ask yourself “why? and commit to showing who you are “bit by bit”. In the end, the ones that matter, will stay. In the end, by allowing your light to shine, you will give others the courage to do the same.

Communication, Parent, Uncategorized

The Power of Words: “What Are You Teaching Others to Live With”

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“Learn to speak kind words.  Nobody resents them.”

 Carl Rowan, Syndicated Columnist

 I have a 5-year-old son. As a parent, I’m always looking for ways to be both a better parent and a better person. Last year, I read something that touched my heart and my mind. My heart because it caused me to be self-reflective on how I interacted and communicated with my son.  My mind because it was simple but deep. Deep in the sense that I could see how I could apply what I read to my life personally and professionally.

With that said, I’d like to share what I read, which on the surface is about the positive or negative impact that a parent can have on a child based on how they communicate and interact with their child.

Beneath the surface though, we can get a greater meaning. . . It’s also about the power of one. The power of one person deciding what type of impact that they want to have in their interactions and communications with those in their lives:

“If a child lives in criticism, he learns to condemn; if a child lives with fear, he learn to hate; if  a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself; if a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative; if a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love; if a child lives with honesty, he learns truth; if a child lives with sincerity, he learns to have faith; if a child lives with love, he learns that the world is a wonderful place in which to live.” (Source – Dennis Kimbro, Author of “Daily Motivations for African-American Success”)

After reading this, I thought to myself, “When I interact and communicate with others each day, what am I teaching them to “live with?”  Am I providing positivity or am I allowing the not so positive things that can sometimes happen in my life to create negative experiences for those who share my life, my space.  Am I taking responsibility for my actions and reactions when I have not exhibited the best of me to those in my world? What can I start doing now to create positive communications and experiences for those that I interact with?

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What can you do to create positive interactions and communications with your co-workers and those you see daily or regularly? What’s in your control? For the next 30 days, can you pledge to be positive in how you interact and communicate with others? If everyone on your work team and/or your personal life committed to be positive for the next 30 days, what difference would that make in your daily work experience… what difference would that make in your world?

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