I recently had a relationship to end. It was the first relationship since my divorce so I had the experience at the age of 50 of having butterflies, giddiness, and heartache all in one. Despite that though, I don’t regret the relationship.
I learned more about myself, about what I wanted in a relationship and what I was willing to give in a relationship. I learned to define boundaries yet also let down those invisible walls that I put up to protect myself. And when I did, it allowed me to face my fear of being vulnerable to another. Being vulnerable is scary. But yet I know now that to be all in, that’s the only way to be. Even when it ends, the vulnerability of it all gives you life experience that you build on to help you to evolve as a person and as a partner.
As with any break-up, you think about what went wrong. Could you have done anything differently; could they have done something differently? You think about in moving forward, what can you take away to have better relationships in the future.
While going through this this self-reflection process, I came across poetry that I had written from decades ago – my 20’s and 30’s – about former relationships. As I read, I said to myself “Girl, you were dramatic back in the day.” However, I also felt the essence of the words were still viable so I decided to share a few of the poems in hopes that my journey of life, love and relationships is relatable to those who are experiencing new love or the loss of love.
Whether you are experiencing the joy of new love or the heartache of a love that was lost, it’s all worth the journey of learning who you are and who you will become from the experience.
Facets of Life: “A Conversation With My Love”
when i’m with you
i feel complete
i feel free
free to be who i am
free to be who i hope to be.
yet at the same time
i feel you don’t know all of me
because i fear showing you
the depthness of my love
the depthness of my soul
i fear telling you
the pain i’ve had from my heartache
the shame i’ve had from life.
but when i ponder on these very things
and begin to reflect
that maybe you’ll understand
these are facets of my life
they have created who i am
they have shaped the character of my being.
all these facets have created
the person
who has chosen you
to unconditionally love.
all these facets have created
the person
you have chosen
to give a part of your world.
Facets of Life: “If I Could”
If I could
Tell you what was deep in my heart
I would tell you
That with you
I have learned how to love again
I have learned that I have something good inside
I have learned that I am worthwhile.
If I could
Stop being afraid of life
Of love
Of letting go
I would tell you that no man
Has ever made me feel the way you do
No man
Has made me feel the joy
That I have known with you
If I could
Share the deepest part of my soul
I would share a heart that has known both delight and despair
I would share a life that has known both honor and shame
I would share my hope of being forever in your life
All these things I would share, say & do
If I could.
Facets of Life: “I Remember”
I remember the day we walked in the park
Arm in arm and hand in hand
And you poured out your heart
You told me your expectations, joys, and sorrows,
Your hopes for a better tomorrow.
And deep within my heart, I cried
Because even though those words were about yourself
I could see a reflection of myself
For in the mirror of your soul
Your words made me whole.
I remember that afternoon you kissed me
So tenderly and sweetly
And yet so passionately
For when you reached out to me
It felt like a little boy wanting someone to love
And yet when your lips touched mine
I knew within that shyness of a boy
There was a man
Who needed me
As much as I needed him.
I remember the night when you held me in your arms
And filled my disillusions with all your charms
And for the first time
I felt as though that I found that key
To open up those deep emotions within me.
And although I’ve searched for so long for that key to happiness
It scares me,
So much that I want to close my dreams to reality
To close the door to my destiny.
For when I really look at my life
All I see are problems and strife
And it hurts my heart so much
So terribly much,
That it’s better for me to pretend
That life can have a happy end.
For when I think of the happy times
The really good times
Nothing else matters
Because through my memories
I can have forever
And everything seems better.
For when I remember when you said
“This is not goodbye – only the beginning.”
I feel as though I’m in a different hemisphere, not of this world
Because you are here with me and once again, I’m a special girl.
But then reality steps in
And I’m back in this world again
For then I realize those words weren’t true.
There was never a me and you.
And even though it hurts to know
In my heart, I have to let you go
I still have one thing…
I remember.
Facets of Life:: “Love’s Reality”
We seemed to have it all
But we lost it all
As quickly as we found it
Maybe I should have told you more
How much I really cared
How much I wanted to be there
How much I wanted you to be in my life.
Maybe you should have told me
That you really loved me
But my dreams were not yours
My hopes were just that
Pleasurable myths that would never be fact.
I gave you my heart
I gave you my soul
I gave until I had nothing else to give
But it was never enough for you
And I will never know why.
I only know
That no one could ever love you
The way I did
The way I do now
Despite it all
For I feel the deepest type of love
A love based on truth and togetherness
A love that expands the realms of forever
Because it is a love
Entwined by a bond of truth of one’s feelings about one’s self
And the person they love
Entwined by communication of your brightest hopes and darkest desperations
Entwined by your most shallow dreams and deepest inspirations.
I now know we were never meant to be
That sometimes love isn’t enough
That sometimes you have to let go of what you have
To find in life
What really matters
To find in life
The friend within yourself.
Something To Think About 