Tag Archives: #love

#love, Communication, Legacy, Life Lessons, Starting Over, Uncategorized, Values

Facets of Life: A Journey of Life, Love & Relationships

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I recently had a relationship to  end. It was the first relationship since my divorce so I had the experience at the age of 50 of having butterflies, giddiness, and heartache all in one. Despite that though, I don’t regret the relationship.

I learned more about myself, about what I wanted in a relationship and what I was willing to give in a relationship.  I learned to define boundaries yet also let down those invisible walls that I put up to protect myself. And when I did, it allowed me to face my fear of being vulnerable to another. Being vulnerable is scary. But yet I know now that to be all in, that’s the only way to be. Even when it ends, the vulnerability of it all gives you life experience that you build on to help you to evolve as a person and as a partner.

As with any break-up, you think about what went wrong. Could you have done anything differently; could they have done something differently? You think about in moving forward, what can you take away to have better relationships in the future.

While going through this this self-reflection process, I came across poetry that I had written from decades ago – my 20’s and 30’s –  about former relationships.  As I read, I said to myself “Girl, you were dramatic back in the day.”  However, I also felt the essence of the words were still viable so I decided to share a few of the poems in hopes that my journey of life, love and relationships is relatable to those who are experiencing new love or the loss of love.

Whether you are experiencing the joy of new love or the heartache of a love that was lost, it’s all worth the journey of learning who you are and who you will become from the experience.

Facets of Life: “A Conversation With My Love”

when i’m with you

i feel complete

i feel free

free to be who i am

free to be who i hope to be.

yet at the same time

i feel you don’t know all of me

because i fear showing you

the depthness of my love

the depthness of my soul

i fear telling you

the pain i’ve had from my heartache

the shame i’ve had from life.

but when i ponder on these very things

and begin to reflect

that maybe you’ll understand

these are facets of my life

they have created who i am

they have shaped the character of my being.

all these facets have created

the person

who has chosen you

to unconditionally love.

all these facets have created

the person

you have chosen

to give a part of your world.

 

Facets of Life:  “If I Could”

If I could

Tell you what was deep in my heart

I would tell you

That with you

I have learned how to love again

I have learned that I have something good inside

I have learned that I am worthwhile.

If I could

Stop being afraid of life

Of love

Of letting go

I would tell you that no man

Has ever made me feel the way you do

No man

Has made me feel the joy

That I have known with you

If I could

Share the deepest part of my soul

I would share a heart that has known both delight and despair

I would share a life that has known both honor and shame

I would share my hope of being forever in your life

All these things I would share, say & do

If I could.

 

Facets of Life:  “I Remember”

 I remember the day we walked in the park

Arm in arm and hand in hand

And you poured out your heart

You told me your expectations, joys, and sorrows,

Your hopes for a better tomorrow.

And deep within my heart, I cried

Because even though those words were about yourself

I could see a reflection of myself

For in the mirror of your soul

Your words made me whole.

I remember that afternoon you kissed me

So tenderly and sweetly

And yet so passionately

For when you reached out to me

It felt like a little boy wanting someone to love

And yet when your lips touched mine

I knew within that shyness of a boy

There was a man

Who needed me

As much as I needed him.

I remember the night when you held me in your arms

And filled my disillusions with all your charms

And for the first time

I felt as though that I found that key

To open up those deep emotions within me.

And although I’ve searched for so long for that key to happiness

It scares me,

So much that I want to close my dreams to reality

To close the door to my destiny.

For when I really look at my life

All I see are problems and strife

And it hurts my heart so much

So terribly much,

That it’s better for me to pretend

That life can have a happy end.

For when I think of the happy times

The really good times

Nothing else matters

Because through my memories

I can have forever

And everything seems better.

For when I remember when you said

“This is not goodbye – only the beginning.”

I feel as though I’m in a different hemisphere, not of this world

Because you are here with me and once again, I’m a special girl.

But then reality steps in

And I’m back in this world again

For then I realize those words weren’t true.

There was never a me and you.

And even though it hurts to know

In my heart, I have to let you go

I still have one thing…

I remember.

 

Facets of Life::  “Love’s Reality”

We seemed to have it all

But we lost it all

As quickly as we found it

Maybe I should have told you more

How much I really cared

How much I wanted to be there

How much I wanted you to be in my life.

Maybe you should have told me

That you really loved me

But my dreams were not yours

My hopes were just that

Pleasurable myths that would never be fact.

I gave you my heart

I gave you my soul

I gave until I had nothing else to give

But it was never enough for you

And I will never know why.

I only know

That no one could ever love you

The way I did

The way I do now

Despite it all

For I feel the deepest type of love

A love based on truth and togetherness

A love that expands the realms of forever

Because it is a love

Entwined by a bond of truth of one’s feelings about one’s self

And the person they love

Entwined by communication of your brightest hopes and darkest desperations

Entwined by your most shallow dreams and deepest inspirations.

I now know we were never meant to be

That sometimes love isn’t enough

That sometimes you have to let go of what you have

To find in life

What really matters

To find in life

The friend within yourself.

Family, Legacy, Living, Parent

“Peggy… I Now Understand”

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Your greatest joy is sorrow unmasked. 

Kahlil Gilbran

If you read my posting “I Was Here“, you know that my sister Peggy passed in 2011.

We had a unique relationship that was shaped by two significant events:

  • In 1966, she gave me life.
  • In 1972, she gave me a chance at life by giving me my parents, Minnie and Dred Wilder. For that I am eternally grateful.

If our Dad were alive and you asked him to describe Peggy , he would tell you Peggy was a person that  truly lived the phrase “Do You” because no matter the reward or consequence, Peggy was one person  who always was Peggy and did what Peggy wanted to do.

For anyone that met Peggy, they would tell you that she had a presence, a swagger. You remembered meeting her.

For those that knew Peggy well, who she allowed to the see the core of who she was, they knew the dichotomy of her. On one hand, she was the most frustrating and demanding person you would ever meet. But on the other hand, she could be a  loving, funny, and thoughtful person.  She would give the best and the last of what she had.

Like all of us, Peggy sometimes made decisions that didn’t have the best results; however, before she passed, she was able to have some essential conversations that allowed her to acknowledge the impact of those choices and I know that it gave her some peace.

She and I had one of those essential conversations and as I ponder on the words that we spoke, I now understand the dynamics of our unique relationship.

I Now Understand…

  • As a perfectly imperfect 49-year old parent that is lost at times about what is the right thing to do for my son,  I truly appreciate now  that  at 18, Peggy didn’t know what was right for me because she was still trying to figure out what was right for her.
  • Parts of her had been broken by tragedy and trauma, so she shut down the part of her heart that hurt the most – loving me.
  • Parts of me had been broken by tragedy and trauma, so I shut down the part of my heart that hurt the most – loving her.
  • What I deemed as anger for her not loving me, for not keeping me, for not choosing me, it was just a little girl who didn’t understand that she showed me the  greatest love by  giving me parents that could provide me what she wanted to give but didn’t know how
  • When I shared with her my anger, my hurt, my tragedy, she felt my anguish and wished that she could wipe it all way.
  • When she told me that she loved me, I didn’t want to accept it but I knew within my being that she did.
  • That in all the ways that we were different, we were and are alike in what matters.
So even though, I understand all these things and more, if Peggy were alive today, I would only say these 4 words: “Peggy, I now understand.” And you know what? She would understand too.

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Is there someone in your life that your relationship is not where it needs to be?  Is there someone in your life that you need to have an essential conversation with?  If so, remember that life is short.  Instead of waiting for a tomorrow that may never come, do something today:  Say the one that thing that really matters in the end, ” I now understand.”Peggy and me 1970s

Communication, Life Lessons, Living, Starting Over

“I’m Just A Girl”

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“…. I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

Source – Movie “Notting Hill”

One of my favorite movies is “Notting Hill” with Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant. A scene that resonates with me is when she goes to visit him post break-up to apologize for something she said to someone about him that he overheard and it was hurtful to him.

As you observe her face and body language, you can tell that she loves this man, she  wants to let him know that and she  wants his forgiveness. In turn, you know from his body language and face that he loves her but his pride, his hurt doesn’t allow him to pull her into his arms.  Rather, he tells her he can’t risk being hurt again and with her life as a movie star and his as a book store owner, they would never work out.  She swallows her pride and fear and say these simple words.

“…. I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

Think about those simple words. Think about the level of vulnerability she showed by “putting it out there”: I love you and I want you to love me. I know that I was wrong but I’m asking you to give me, give us,  another try. Think about the level of courage it took for her to risk not having her love reciprocated, to show that “little girl” side of her to the man that she wanted; to the man that she wanted to want them, to want her.

Have you had moments in life that you were afraid to be truly vulnerable. Were you afraid that:

  • If they saw you – without the layers, without the mask you present to the world, that they would not like or love you
  • If you saw you – without the layers, without the mask you present to the world, that you would not like or love yourself
  • You have pretended so long to be someone else that you don’t know who you are, so how can you be vulnerable to show what you don’t know.

If we are honest, we’ve all had a moment in time that we didn’t feel that we were enough or that if they saw the “real us” that they wouldn’t like or love us.

That was then and this is now. It’s time to Flip The Script

Imagine that if you chose to be vulnerable, that they would see the wonder and beauty of you. That they would love you more than you could imagine. That they would give you the greatest gift – they would show their vulnerability too.

I will admit that when I’ve shown my vulnerability to others, it hasn’t always worked out. But that’s okay. Why? Because, “I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”

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Although this was a movie, it is reflective of the masks that we put on in life. Although deep within, we may intensely want that relationship, that dream, that “thing”, we don’t say it because our fear of being vulnerable holds us back. Or maybe life has happened so much to us, we don’t think that we deserve that “thing” that we want most and we subconsciously (or consciously) sabotage ourselves.

Ask yourself if you are afraid to be vulnerable. If so, why?  Finally, ask yourself, what is one action that you can do today to move away from that fear so that you are not afraid to show your vulnerable little girl or  vulnerable little boy with those that share your world? 

Notting Hill Video 1: http://https://youtu.be/RESwG23_YGw

Notting Hill Video 2:  http://https://youtu.be/kE5IzU8KiJ4

Communication, Legacy, Life Lessons, Living, Parent, Values

“What I Learned About Loving Myself From Loving Someone Else”

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As I approach my 50th birthday in less than 5 months, I am in a reflective mood. I have been thinking about the men that I have loved and what I have  learned about loving myself by loving them.

I’d like to share a few of those lessons by highlighting those key relationships:

  • My Father – Dred Wilder: My father was a humble, gentle, straight talk no chaser, powerful man. As early as the age of 3, I knew that no one could compare to my Dad. He understood my thoughts without me saying a word. He knew when I didn’t feel accepted or hurt by others and told me to believe in myself because he believed in me. He taught me to define my values and to live them no matter what the reward or consequence. When kids would make fun of me or become afraid of me because I had a seizure, he wouldn’t say  a word; instead, he would hold me in his arms until I stopped crying. When he died, I felt that I lost a part of my heart, a part of my soul. But as time has passed, I learned most importantly that the lessons, the memories still live in me and are even more powerful today as they were yesterday.
  • My Brother – Dred Jr: Growing up, we were typical siblings.  We laughed, we argued; we shared good and bad times. But through it all, we always had each other’s  back. I have learned  from him through his words and actions that loyalty doesn’t need to be spoken –  it just needs to be shown. I have learned the importance of having a dream and following it even when others can’t see the vision.  The importance of staying true to what you know within your core is right for you.  I have learned from him that no matter what, he will support me without questions or judgment.
  • My Brother – Stan: I grew up as the only girl in the neighborhood so Stan felt it was important to teach me to defend myself  and  he taught me how to fight. I was a little girl so certainly I was no ninja. However, I learned from him how to not only physically defend myself but how to stand up for myself through words. He called me “Nene” and would say “Nene, I don’t want you to pick fights but if you can’t defend yourself with words, defend  yourself with your hands.” As I got older and he would be home visiting, he would ask me thought provoking questions about what I wanted in life. We would talk about world events and travel. I didn’t realize then that he was teaching me to think about what I wanted out of life but also to consider that there was a world outside of what I had known and to be open to it.
  • Daddy Dean:  My sister Peggy had a special man in her life named Dean. When my brother Dred  and I were kids, we would go visit them in the summer. He was like a second Dad to me. He loved my sister with that old school love like you see in movies like “Lady Sings The Blues”, “Mahogany”, or “The Way We Were”. Unfortunately, they didn’t stay together. I learned from their relationship, that you can love someone “hard” but when that person is broken or doesn’t know how to love themselves because of those broken pieces, love is not enough. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go. I can tell you that my sister loved him to the day she died and he loved her.
  • My First Love – Hari: I met Hari when I was 23. He was a Captain in the Marines. He was confident, a visionary, and he loved me. He showed me a new world of jazz, poetry, writing, and dreams. He pulled me out of my comfort zone to share my talents of writing poetry and public speaking. With him I evolved into a butterfly. I learned to truly believe in my dreams and that I was special to someone who I not only loved but respected. I also learned that when romantic love ends, it can evolve into a powerful friendship with someone who knows your heartache, your fears, and the depthness of your love.
  • My Son – Dred Scott: I had my son Dred Scott at 43. In the 6.5  years he has been in my life, I have learned and experienced love on a level that I didn’t know existed before him. He is my heart. I would give my life for him if it meant saving his.  He has taught me about  unconditional love. He sometimes says to me  “Mommy, you are beautiful. You are a good Mom and I love you.” Needless to say that reminds me that my son loves me just for being me – his Mom.

I have loved, been loved, and lost love. But I have learned that loving is living and that is the best lesson of all.Scotty and me